FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.
HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.
FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.
PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.
YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.
AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.
MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.
SUCK the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker "Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
WOOLWORTHS Industrial Strength Toilet Cleaner is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
MAKE cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
FOIL pickpockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
CONFUSE shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.
CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling wrap and press them into your eyes.
PREVENT bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
CYCLISTS. Next time you're out on your bike, take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 litres of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tyre this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
POP a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
PUT a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
RECORD the sound of your wife having an orgasm and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up.
FELLAS. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
AS adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies.
AVOID paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore Australian Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home.
ALWAYS keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
EXTERIOR wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.
PREVENT potato crisps from cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
WEREWOLF enthusiasts. Get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
MIX tea with coffee and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
OFFICE workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
INTERNET users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet.
RECORD the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a power cut.
NEXT time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
PLAY "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.
ALWAYS fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you dollars over a period of time.
CAR cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding irons.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
TERRIFY ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.
FOOL passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
THEATRE NURSES. If the surgeon you work with is called Simon, brighten up mundane procedures by refusing to pass any equipment to him until he uses the prefix "Simon Says". Remember even when he shouts "Give me the ligature, this child is DYING?!" he's probably just trying to get you out.
WHEN choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
SHOE bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.
CHEFS Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
AVOID arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
TO treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
IF you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough..
HANDYMEN. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
WHEN confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
IF you have a pet that bites children, have your own children for them to bite so you can avoid law suits.
SHOPPERS. When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Channel.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
ENJOY the thrill of indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmmm, that was a lovely apple.."
ROYAL princes. Develop a 'knee problem' before entering military service, then you can quit a few weeks later 'devastated' by the crushing blow life has dealt you.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
NUNS at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of Mercy' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes.
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.
GILLETTE. Now that you have been out-manoeuvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4-blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5-blade model?
LANDLORDS Save thousands of pounds paying hugely inflated monthly rates for AusStar Sports by simply painting a small white pint glass with Tippex in the bottom right-hand corner of your TV screen.
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! Your lost time is returned.
When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else' crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my ex-husband I routinely thought about our next door neighbour Brian and his border collie.
BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
SCRABBLE PLAYERS. If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
BREAKFAST LOVERS. Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
NERVOUS people. Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.
SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to 'switch tracks', simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
PET OWNERS. Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
Bob Geldof, Midge Ure and Bono should all delve into their trillions and 'feed the world' their bloody selves instead of asking us poor fuckers on the dole to feed it. A mate of mine gets $10 a week and can't even feed himself after he's bought his Boags Premiums, snout and porn.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house after you've been banged.
MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
HOME decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.
'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim. Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the bastard keeps coming home.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a $20 note to yourself by Australia Post.
'A little bit of what you fancy does you good' they say. It fucked Gary Glitter's career good and proper though, didn't it?
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood, to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
HAMMER nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.
IN Limp Bizkit's new single, Fred Durst can be heard singing 'no-one knows what it's like to be mistreated'. I feel my pet rabbit would disagree, having recently starved to death in a nest of its own excrement.
After a concert, Carol Decker of T'Pau once famously returned to her dressing room to find her clothes spattered with semen. Although the culprit has never been found, I find it interesting that Cliff Richard has never explicitly denied being responsible. As a Christian, if he swore on the bible that he had never ejaculated onto Ms Decker's clothing I would have no option but to accept that he was telling the truth. So why doesn't he clear the air? Something to hide, perhaps?
TOILET roll tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.
IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my ex-husband as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with his mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave him one on the living room carpet this morning.
I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct obsession with gay sex. It's getting so that I can't turn on the Fantasy Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in these sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription.
'Stop taking the piss!' I said to my son recently. We both had to laugh as he is a doctor and was taking a urine sample from me for some tests. The laughter soon faded when the results came back and he informed me that I will be dead within 3 months.
MOTHERS. Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
TEACHERS. Avoid fancying 14-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.
LADIES. When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
JULIAN from Tassie Homes. Cover up your phone mouthpiece next time you ask your supervisor what to do, and he replies 'make something up.'
MEN. Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
DEAF PEOPLE. Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
HOW come in the adverts, a McDonald's Big Mac looks as tall as one of the twin towers (when it was still standing, of course), yet when you get one they're as squashed as my gran's tits?
I'm worried that the Dandy's Desperate Dan might be a paedophile. Just look at the evidence: He lives with his aunt, he hangs around with two kids, and he ponces round Cactusville dressed like a cowboy. Desperate? Desperate for some underage botty more like.
The government says that there are nearly 10,000 people with HIV in Australia, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor buggers?
Returning to the office after a business meeting the other day, my colleague said "I have an important doctor's appointment this afternoon, you'll have to drive like the wind." I had to laugh, since the wind speed that day was 10kph, and it was blowing in a south easterly direction, the opposite way to the office. Needless to say my colleague missed his doctor's appointment.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
YOU often hear that 'blood is thicker than water'. Well I've got both of them coming out of my arse at the moment, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.
According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in his early '60s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
GENTLEMEN. Speed up your lovemaking by playing Benny Hill's theme tune 'Yackety Sax' in the bedroom.
HOMEOWNERS. Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
They say 'you can't judge a book by its cover'. What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
MEN. Can't get a blow job? Simply strip bollock naked, plonk yourself arse-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat.
LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a 'Fred Flintstone' five o'clock shadow.
WHITE wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 10% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
I would like to thank Mavis of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with John. He is a great shag. Thanks again.
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Bunnings 5-Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its arse on it.'
In his song 'Sexuality', Billy Bragg claims that '...Your laws do not apply to me'. I think that if Mr.Bragg were to be caught nuts-deep in a 15-year-old then he would find out just how much these laws do indeed 'apply to him'.
What's all this nonsense about that 72-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 96. Beat that.
Those speed cameras are useless. Whenever I see one, I just get out and go past it on foot. They haven't caught me yet!
ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS. Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Franklins 'budget' beefburgers. Also your final model can be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.
According to Bill Bryson in his book 'A Short History of Nearly Everything', the vigorousness of a man's beard growth is proportional to the number of times he thinks about sex. This being the case, Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams ought to be ashamed of himself. Filthy beast.
How come St. George got beatified for killing the rarest creature ever with a massive sword, while I get absolutely fucked by the RSPCA for slaying common frogs with a penknife? As usual, it's one law for knights in armour and another for the rest of us.
LADIES. A 'guide bat' tethered to your finger with a short piece of string is the perfect way to avoid trees and horses in the dark.
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
On the ABC website, I read with interest that some scientists in New Zealand have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never had a meal at 'Fish and Chips' at the Launceston Seaport.
I never worried about the destination when I went on holiday as a girl. My father is Iranian and my mother is Irish, so I spent most of the time in customs.
HOW happy Andy Williams sounds as he trills out the line 'The boys watch the girls while the girls watch the boys who watch the girls go by'. Why can't social services adopt a similar carefree attitude when moving strange men on from the local primary school?
MUMS. Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes and turn off the bathroom lights. Then watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.
When we were at school, a mate of mine told me he used to wank off over Annalise from Neighbours. I never believed him though. Do you think you could ask her politely if she recalls being sprayed with spunk by a teenager from Ravenswood, about ten years ago?
VULCANOLOGISTS. If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200 degrees C.
The saying goes, 'See a cent, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I have a matador friend and whilst picking a one cent piece up at work the other day, he was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
WHILE cleaning out the back of my fridge the other day, I found a half-full carton of 'fresh full-cream milk', but when I drank it I threw up and spent the rest of the week in bed. Fresh, my arse.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my boyfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risdon Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the woman in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on her forehead and is serving a 10 year stretch for attempted murder.
A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.
WANKERS. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a porn vid on in the living room, with the volume on high.
My neighbour is fed up with finding his e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. He says that in the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for fanny tightening tablets?
CAR thieves. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, e.g. watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
WORM farmers. Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.
BAKERS. Avoid confusion and imprisonment when carrying desserts through airport customs, by referring to Almond and Mocha bombs as Almond and Mocha upside-down cakes.
"ONE dollar a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania", says Oxfam. So how come Hydro Tasmania charges me fifty bucks a month for my one-bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'F' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
It's all very well these bleeding heart liberals getting on their high horses because the Canadians are culling seals again. They don't have a troupe of seals living next door to them, like I do. If, like me, they were kept awake every night by incessant clapping and the honking of bicycle horns into the early hours, they'd be the first onto the ice floe with a baseball bat, let me tell you.
MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
IMPOTENT men. Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.
Isn't it about time they discovered a new bit of 'Voice of an Angel' jailbait? I can't be the only one who thinks that Charlotte Church is getting a bit long in the tooth these days.
WHEN replying to 'Nigerian lawyers' that offer millions in return for a $10.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Coles with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
AVOID dogs molesting your leg under the dinner table by coating your trousers below the knee with Ralgex or Firey Jack.
RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Franklin's diced chicken.
DIABOLISTS. For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 5 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
GUYS. If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste.
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant investigation with an anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product.
ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
DRUNKEN drivers When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrolling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 1 a.m. driving lesson is up to you.
SUDOKU lovers. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a male police dog on the roof of your patrol car and slamming the door on its dangling bollocks before attending an emergency call.
EPILEPTICS Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven't drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen, to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub..
TV BOSSES. Improve the quality of live TV news by giving 'roving reporters' the sack on air if they say 'erm...' more than three times in a single report.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
MICRA drivers. The little number '5' on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 30 kph.
OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
SKATEBOARDERS and other would-be HOMIE BOYS. Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle, around your waist.
LADIES. When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured 'Banana Bunch'.
McDONALD'S. Save money on glass by not building a 'window number 1' in your drive-thrus, as there is invariably never anybody there.
LEFT wing British celebrities. When offered an OBE or similar gong, don't 'accept it begrudgingly', saying you disagree with system, but it is churlish to turn it down. Simply tell them to fuck off and keep your credibility.
OLD people. If you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.
ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your male customers by having a good 10-second stare at their wives' tits upon entry and then another good stare after they have been seated.
OIL companies. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.
SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 32 hours long.
FLATMATES. Take a picture of yourself naked and looking surprised and pin it on your bathroom door. That way if anyone bursts in on you they won't get a shocking surprise.
ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 50 kph, it was all a myth.
BMW drivers. When approaching a traffic jam on a freeway, feel free to do a last minute swerve into the lane I'm in, halving the braking distance I was allowing myself and putting the horses I was transporting on their fucking knees.
WHEN cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.
SHOE shop staff. If I ask for a size 8, and all you have left are a size 5 or 11, then for future reference, I would rather not 'give them a try.' Call it intuition or whatever, I just don't think they'd fit.
PREGNANT weatherwomen. When presenting the report, stand front on to the camera so as anybody living west of Melbourne can see what the weather will be like in their area.
BONO. Take the piss by spending thousands of dollars on pink tinted sunglasses, then asking the working class to give to charity.
OLD people. Avoid flu-jab embarrassment by not pulling your trousers down whilst the nurse is getting your injection ready. It is administered via the arm these days.
HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.
EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can."
LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
TEENAGERS. Make sure your dad doesn't find out you've been watching his porn films by not whistling the theme tune to Emmanuelle at the dinner table.
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
LAUNCESTON City Park Rangers. Putting a second 'No Ball Games' sign three metres to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost.
CLIMB onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
CHEER loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
GIRLS. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
DON'T buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-FILES fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
MINOR skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
AVOID jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
PASS yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
SAVE time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
WHEN crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
THICKEN up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
ANOREXICS. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
HIJACKERS. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
DETER goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
OLYMPIC athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
SWEETCORN fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
MANCHESTER United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
MANCHESTER United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
AVOID arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
WEEDY fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
SMOKERS. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
VEGETARIANS coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute, etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
INVITED by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours and ask for a nice steak.
SPICE up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
LOG truck drivers. When climbing a long hill at 40 kph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS Drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
DRIVERS. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the bloody things.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50c to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
WEIGHT watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
DYSLEXICS. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
BEARDED men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
GIVE up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
PRETEND to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
OLDIES. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
MAKE people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
DON'T invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of bleach and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
MAKE bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
MAKE guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.
MAKE your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
GIRLS. Too old to go on an 'Kontiki Tour'? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
HAVE all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
AVOID being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.
SAVE money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender,with the simple inscription "Same to you."
WHY pay $100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, unregistered car for $25 and fill it with all your shite. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.
FEED bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
GENTLEMEN. Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.
FARTS stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky-but-essential emergency plug chain repairs.
MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like fucking dodgem cars, so they may as well look like one.
ADVENTUROUS lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.
ANGLERS. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net,but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
TAPE a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
GENTLEMEN. Next time you are making love with a lady, cross your eyes and Hey Presto! That saucy threesome with identical twins that you've always dreamed of.
INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.
RE-USABLE canvas shopping bags make an excellent receptacle to store all the bags you are left with after trips to the supermarket.
TRICK spiders into thinking they have caught a fly by flicking cigarette ash into cobwebs.
BIKERS! Remember to give two or three blips of your throttle, when stopping at the pub. This will remind patrons on the patio that you master a beast, likely to burst into life at any moment of its own volition.
FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in an ABC news report about Australia's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.
MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.
RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
DEVOUT Catholics. If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up.
DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.
DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.
FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine and then judging them harshly.
TRAMPS. Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.
WOOLWORTHS. Why not replace the ten permanently unmanned checkouts in your stores with more sales shelving, giving your customers a wider range of products they can queue up for half an hour to pay for.
CONTACT lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution.
Spoonerise Rolf Harris's name. Hey Presto! You're saying it in a dog's voice.
PARENTS. Half a cocktail stick with a blob of nail varnish on the end makes an ideal "safety match" that your children can play with without the risk of setting fire to anything.
KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.
QUEENS. If a large jewel falls out of one's sceptre, it can easily replaced with a pear drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating.
SMOKERS. Take a tip from tumble dryer users. Enjoy a crafty fag at your desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out of the office window.
QUEENS. Don't throw away old crowns. They make excellent cosies for Ming Dynasty teapots.
WEATHER presenters. When presenting the forecast, feel free to use both temperature scales for dramatic effect. Use Celsius for cold temperatures (-5?c sounds much colder than 23?F) and Fahrenheit for high temperatures (90?F has much more impact than 32?C)
HOUSEWIVES. Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The heating's on' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.
OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.
PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.
VIRGIN Blue passengers. These days they let ALL passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands.
CONTESTANTS on Wife Swap Try not to be so surprised at how different the other family is. That is, and always has been, the format of the show.
DAILY Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.
STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past.
DEFY the government at the start of Daylight Saving by refusing to put your clocks forward at 1.00 in the morning. 'Save' the hour for later in the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.
BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.
CONVINCE neighbours that you own an old fashioned typewriter by wearing metal thimbles and drumming your fingers on a plastic tray. Every ten seconds ting a wine glass with a pencil and run a butter knife along the teeth of a comb before continuing drumming your fingers.
MOBILE party DJs. Having trouble getting nervous guests up and dancing? Try petulantly demanding "What's wrong with you?", and calling them all "boring". That should do the trick.
TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit happily on your hand for hours.
HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.
INITIAL City Link. Instead of the slogan you have painted on the sides of your trucks - "Your reputation in a box? We guarantee it...every time!" why not use the wording of clause 4.5 of your Standard Trading Conditions - "Whilst the Company shall use its reasonable endeavours to comply with any estimate given by the Company to the Customer, any delivery time (including date) given by or on behalf of the Company shall be an estimate only, time shall not be of the essence and shall not be binding upon the Company which shall be under no liability whatsoever, except as provided for in Clause 17, for failure to secure delivery of any Goods by any date or time howsoever caused," which more accurately reflects your approach to the punctual delivery of urgent packages.
OBESE Radio breakfast DJs. Why not discuss with your colleagues on air how you intend to spend your 600k salary? Your listener demographic of 16-25 year-old van drivers, warehouse workers and year 12 students will really appreciate the insight..
BUS drivers. Increase the number of people who believe you when you cite traffic as an excuse for your late arrival by not stopping halfway through a route to exchange a racist joke with a passing colleague.
PLACE an ice-cream tub in the basin to catch any excess water while washing hands. You'll quickly collect enough to flush the loo.
MUMS. After your kids have mastered spelling with Alphabetti Spaghetti, buy a tin of the normal stuff so as they can practise joined-up writing.
REAL Estate agents. Please look up the words 'luxurious', 'stunning' and 'spacious' in a dictionary so as I don't have to spend my weekends being shown around derelict shitboxes.
COMMUTERS. Give away the sad fact that your life consists of nothing but grinding routine by standing in the exact spot on the platform where the train doors will be when the service arrives.
NORTHERNERS. On hot summer nights go to bed wearing a shower cap full of frozen peas to cool your head. And when you wake up you'll have a tasty mushy pea snack ready for breakfast.
DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.
TREASURERS from social clubs. Rather than take the flack for bad book-keeping, accuse the bar staff of theft.
OZPOST Couriers. Maintain good relations with your account holders by assuring them that their next urgent package sent from Sydney to Melbourne doesn't end up in New Guinea.
FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don't sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet.
HOUSEHOLDERS. Store yellow crayons, broken pencils, dried up biros and highlighters somewhere handy. I keep mine in a jar by the telephone.
BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.
FOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.
UNDERTAKERS. Put a flashing yellow light on the top hat of the man walking in front of the hearse to warn other road users of the slow procession of cars.
LIGHTEN up worrying visits at the doctors by posing every question with the prefix 'Doctor, Doctor.'
PARENTS. Each week count the contents of your cutlery drawer. This way you can quickly identify if any spoons or knives have gone missing that could potentially be used to administer illegal drugs or commit violent crime.
MOTORISTS. Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.
CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.
CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the 'run of shame' for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call.
OLD grannies. Easter is not going to be early or late next year. So that will save you one crappy conversation.
DOCTORS. Tired of licking stamps? Simply attach your stamps to the underside of your tongue stick before the patient says "Aah." Hey presto! Free saliva.
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
ANNOY and frustrate Dominos Pizza staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."
BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
SLICING a Battenburg cake lengthways, both vertically and horizontally, makes four handy, long mini sponge cakes (one pair yellow, the other pink).
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.
DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.
WEIGHT watchers. After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump.
PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
JOHN Wayne. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.
MINIMISE the risk of breaking your arm by avoiding swans wherever possible.
WOULD-BE criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding the side of a fork up close to your eye.
TO make a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.
MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.
AUSTRALIAN Soldiers. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Ron's Camera House.
MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via Australia Post. You will never see it again.
TRAFFIC cops. Don't waste time and money installing video cameras in your cars. Install them in the front and rear windows of all Volvo 340s and Holdens driven by old age pensioners. That way all the accidents which the doddering old farts cause will be recorded on tape.
OLYMPIC athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance improving drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
AVOID drink driving by freezing beer in an ice maker, then eating it.
TRUCK drivers. Keep your indicator on for half an hour after each manoeuvre in order to keep us car drivers on our toes.
HEAVY smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that your dog is well trained by ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already.
ROAD rage drivers. Settle your dispute honourably by removing your car aerials and having a fencing duel. The aerials will retract if they hit a solid object, thus preventing serious injury.
MOTORISTS. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
HOUSEWIVES. Brighten up Mondays by coating your kitchen floor with 'Corn Flakes' order to recreate the sound of walking through virgin snow whilst preparing the tea.
CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.
A SHEET of sand paper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
WHILST in bed, protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
CAR tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants.
SAVE cash on gift shopping this Christmas by getting locked in prison. It's great, and you can take drugs, and have a wank as well.
I AM interested in buying a caravan. However, I cannot find the caravan that goes with my car. If anyone has a caravan with license plate J471 PSD could I please buy it from them.
AT party time, Cornflakes packets make ideal jelly moulds for anyone requiring large rectangular blocks of jelly. Although they do have the disadvantage of not being waterproof.
INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.
WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
LOOK 'tough' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.
WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.
NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They'll make Franklins feel like your own living room.
FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.
OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven.
TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.
SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply going to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. Simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire, the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably.
RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Wrap' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbour's. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your blinker lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*** you're going.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Rage and then watching them in fifteen years' time.
KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the ceiling at night.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
I SLEEP with my house key under my tongue, and I never suffer from cramp.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.
WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.
PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed.
WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight. (If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water).
MUMS! when clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.
HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.
PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a pet gerbil, or hamster.
OLD folks. Foil the tax man this winter by clambering up on top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises, and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb.
MAKE a miniature 'mouse trap' for flies by using a spring- loaded wooden clothes peg, baited with a winnit.
GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.
PREVENT your car from being stolen from the Paterson Street car park by attaching a 3ft metal/plastic stick to the steering wheel. For best results, use a blue car.
BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of honey.
PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30.
KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom.
BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.
EAT moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become too overweight. Then, in the event of collapsing in a toilet cubicle, a passer-by will be able to drag you out through the 6 inch gap under the door and walls.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
BEFORE attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent marker pen. That way, when you remove the garment from the washing machine, you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.